On shopping for jeans

I would happily pay $100- no, $200! for a perfect pair of jeans. Fortunately, I am safe in making that statement because they are not to be had at any price.

I have a bunch of jeans from Old Navy that are perfect, except they have shrunk over the years. (No, I am not fatter. All my other pants fit the same.) Unfortunately, Old Navy no longer carries my size 14 long low rise boot cut jeans- all the "jeans" they have are tainted with that most horrible of trends, STRETCH. Stretch pants- yes, that 80's craze!- are back in style, except instead of tapering all the way to your scrunched socks and loafers, they now fit your thighs like a condom and then flare to the bottom. Jeans should be made of demin. Denim is a heavy, thick, durable, nonstretchy fabric; therefore, jeans should be cut to allow activities such as blood circulation and movement. Also, since all the women I know have asses, hips, and thighs, jeans should leave room for these body parts.

Having ranted on materials, let me talk about sizes. Many people seem to think that I am thin. "How could you not think you're skinny?," they ask me. Well, if you were the largest pants size in every clothing store you went in (if they even carry it- J. Crew has 6,then 8, and then 10/12 for us fatties; same with Abercrombie,) you too might begin to doubt that you were skinny. An even more annoying trend is for stores to carry tall only in size 6-12. What the fuck? Who is more likely to need longer pants, someone who is a size 6, or someone who is a size 14? And finally, if everyone is talking about supersized America, why are there so many 1s and 4s on the rack? Because NO ONE EVER BUYS the 1s and 4s! Stop making so many of them!

After several hours of frustration, I bought DKNY's Soho Jean (slight low rise, regular fit, boot cut, zip fly) in a 14 long for $48. It sure does look like a nice pair of jeans, but has enough stretch that it could see me through the fourth month of pregnancy. Join me in the fight to keep our jeans spandex-free. Write to your congressman.